Here’s something I often find disconcerting. When a man grows older, with his grey hair showing, and lines etched deep in his face, the general consensus is that he looks “distinguished”. A woman who has the same grey hair and lines etched in her face is dismissed as “old” or having “let herself go”. Why is this so?
This, I feel, is purely down to societal pressure for women to look forever young. Beauty isn’t in the eye of the beholder. It is in youth, like it or not, and women just aren’t allowed to grow old, or look old. When women grow older, their presence diminishes in the public eye. This happens to the best of us – just think about red carpet coverage and you’ll have to agree.
Because of this, women have been searching for the fountain of youth for decades. It is this vanity and pursuit of youth that keeps aestheticians in business, and plastic surgeons in their large mansions and fancy cars. It is this vanity and pursuit of youth, that makes us fall for every cream out there that promises to “reduce fine lines and wrinkles” despite the fact that it often doesn’t.
Frankly, as much as it troubles me, it also pisses me off that skin health is so tied with this preconceived notion of youth.
The fact of the matter is that we all age, and with age, our bodies change. It does not have to be a bad thing.
The idea of beauty or good skin being that of having fresh, clear, glowing skin of porcelain clarity, unlined and practically poreless, is basically that of a young woman. But we will age, and if we’re lucky, we will grow older. It isn’t a disaster, it’s a privilege.
With age comes the loss of elasticity and collagen. Lines will naturally occur. Our skin losses its clarity and tautness and will sag, and loses its density. The lines on our skin are etched there through our life experiences. The naso-labial lines are there because you smile and you laugh. The lines around your mouth are there, because you pout or worry. The lines around your eyes appear when your smile reaches your eyes, or perhaps due to sorrow or joy. The lines on your forehead are put there by worry at a rough point in your life, that you eventually surmount.
Every line tells a story, and I don’t see it as a bad thing at all.
As much as we want to kid ourselves into believing that a cream or a food supplement will restore this elasticity and collagen to our skin, or for aesthetics treatments to iron out our skin and erase our lines, the reality is that doesn’t always work that way.
Why are we so afraid of growing older? Of looking older? Is it because society and ad campaigns frown on it?
I often look at beauty campaigns, even today, and find the pursuit of perceived “good skin” to not be that. It is really, the pursuit of youth. The reality is, time never goes back. You will never have that bloom of youth in your skin as you age. You will never look 25 again, and truthfully, I don’t want to.
What I think we should be focusing on, is not so much how our skin looks in relation to others. We should be focusing on its health in relation to ourselves. When I was in my 20’s, I was acne-prone and had a lot of scarring. Perhaps I had better skin then, to be honest, I can’t quite remember but I don’t think I did. Now that I’m in my 40’s, I no longer have breakouts and my skin texture is actually better than it used to be. But I now face a new challenge – age-related pigmentation and loss of skin elasticity and dry skin.
Does it bother me? No it does not. Is it better? In some ways, yes it is. In other ways, it isn’t.
Just recently, I attended an event, where they used a gadget to measure skin elasticity and moisture levels. The result showed that my skin elasticity was low, and my skin was dry. No shit, Sherlock! I could tell you that myself without using a gadget 😛
In the first place, the gadgets aren’t calibrated to measure the skin of someone in their 40’s. The same gadget is used for everyone. As compared to someone in their 20’s, my results look abysmal (and really, it’s tailored that way, so I feel bad and buy up what’s on offer 😛 ) but what if I’m doing fine for my age? What if my skin condition is actually good for someone in my age group? What if it’s better today than it was 10 years ago?
Why are we allowing our perceptions of “good skin” to be dictated by the perception of youth? This is what troubles me.
Basically, what I’m saying is that we should be benchmarking ourselves against two things – our peers and ourselves. Not against people 20 years younger. We are now living at a time when, thanks to social media, the everyday woman is more visible than ever before. And we are all getting older eventually and we should not shy away just because we are.
The lines will appear. The skin will sag. The pores will be more visible. The bloom of youth will disappear. For us older women, good skin should be about maintaining the health of our skin. Keep it clean. Keep it clear of spots. Up your hydration levels, maintain or repair your moisture barrier. Use a Vitamin C serum or a Retinol based product.
But above all, be realistic.
Your measure of “good skin” should be that of good skin, within your age group, and in comparison to your skin condition before this. If your skin feels dry, use products that help boost hydration in your skin. Use products that help repair your moisture barrier so moisture loss is reduced. But be realistic that you will likely not achieve that dewy look so sought after. If you are conscious about fine or deep lines, use a product that helps lighten it, but be realistic. Those lines are only being puffed up, they aren’t going away. It’s all cosmetic.
If you have fewer lines than most, or if your skin is clearer than most, or if your skin looks healthier than most of your age group, that is “good skin”. It is unrealistic to look at Korean stars or celebrities, or young beauty role models, and think that that is your measure of beauty and good skin.
For this, I blame beauty brands as well. As much as there is this movement to be inclusive and more positive about age and aging, the reality is that most campaigns only feature young women, or they airbrush the hell out of older women in photos. When an older woman shares online about her beauty routine or products she uses, she is often dismissed because “Your skin is sagging, you are no authority on skincare” or “Your lines are showing, who are you to talk about good skin?” or “Your skin looks dull and dry, how can you talk about skincare when you can’t even show anything for it?”
Yet, what is the measure? Are you benchmarking her against a 20-something? Are you using your perceptions of “good skin” to dismiss her sharing as not useful? Perhaps you may not think so when you get to her age.
So, here’s what I have to say. Allow yourself to age. Don’t fight it – the more you do, the quicker you age. Laugh a little. Appreciate yourself and be realistic about having “good skin”.
Remember, growing old is a privilege that some women don’t have.
Do you feel frustrated by the present imagery of “good skin” that we are bombarded with?
I must say having to speak to beauty advisors or sales people really get my goat. I’m 44 years old. Dry, sagging skin is to be expected. Don’t benchmark me against a 20 year old please! And no, I’m not going to get work done, thanks 😛
Paris B
I just want my skin to be hydrated, even toned, less bumpy and less itchy. My rosacea seems to be getting worse with age or maybe due to some neglect over the years. Anyway, I’m now on a “healing routine” basically to repair my skin barrier and to hydrate. I’m not kidding myself into thinking I’ll have young skin at above 40 but I just want skin that’s less problematic and comfortable. It’s slowly improving after being on this routine for nearly a month. So I’m keeping my fingers crossed.
Hi lyn, may I know if you’ve come across any moisturizers that help with calming down a rosacea flare? Thanks in advance xx
Not Lyn, but I would suggest something with azelaic acid. Despite its name, it is much milder than glycolic acid etc. and specifically used to target redness. My skin loves it!
I don’t have any specific products to target rosacea because I’ve tried a few from Ren and Avene in the past and did not see any improvement. If your rosacea is severe, it may be best to seek professional help or consultation.
But I think it’s important to understand what triggers your skin to react. Mine is definitely heat, dehydration, and sometimes dust and my own hair (when it happens to poke my face). Also certain facial oils / thick creams irritate my skin.
It’s important to keep your skin well hydrated because the moisture barrier is a bit more intact and less prone to irritation. I can’t use anything too emollient / rich because it will make my skin itch. So I have to stick to using lighter textures and apply in layers.
I find skincare with Madecassoside (or Centella Asiatica or CICA for short) helps reduce some redness and bumps. This is a very recent discovery as I have never heard of this ingredient before. I’ve been using the Innisfree Cica Balm and think it’s helped. But I’ve only started using it for about a week so it’s still too early to tell. I’ve heard good things about the one from Etude House also but haven’t tried it. This ingredient seems to be more prevalent in Korean skincare though.
And always wear sunscreen. No matter what. Rosacea is prone to flaring when in contact with uv rays or heat. This is the one thing I’m consistent at for many years. I even wear sunscreen indoors because there is still some pretty strong sunlight coming through windows / glass. I think my rosacea would have been worse if I didn’t practice this.
I don’t have many tips and can only share based on experience. I’ve only recently started paying more attention to my skin so a lot of things are still relatively new. Hope this helps.
Dear Lyn and Julia- thanks so much for sharing! The tips about azaleic acid, Madecassoside and CICA are new to me, I’ll definitely be doing some reading 🙂
I’ve been struggling with my current skin condition for awhile and was prescribed steroid creams to treat it. Am a bit worried about prolonged use as it comes with a host of potential side effects..
Staying out of the sun/heat and wearing sunscreen has helped a lot with preventing flare ups, and I’m relieved that my current sunscreen doesn’t trigger a reaction.
Moisturizing used to work, but I’ve somehow developed sensitivity to even the milder products and have been unlucky with finding something suitable to use.
It sounds silly but I wish for the days when all I had to deal with was *just* regular acne. Thank you for sharing your experience!
Hope it’s recovering better now Lyn! I know Ceramide helps to repair the skin barrier better, so perhaps you could look into products that contain it? I’ve read that it helps some people
Thanks, PB! I haven’t tried a proper ceramide cream and have only used the Hada Labo premium cream, which was okay. I think I want to try the only from Dr. Jart as I’ve heard good things about it. One thing I’ve discovered or came to realise is that my skin cannot tolerate anything too emollient or rich.
Seriously though, I don’t think u look 44! I’m in my late thirties and I’m learning to embrace my pigments and all those imperfection on my face. I think we truly need to embrace the term “age gracefully” and not try to botox our way to remain ageless.
Thanks for speaking up and being so real even in this blogging space.
Haha Thank you but yes I am! Or will be later this year anyway 😀 I am with you. Aging gracefully and accepting our imperfections is one way forward to personal happiness. If I were to pick at every flaw I have, I’d be so miserable!
Hi Paris…
Comparing my skin with society is hard. Now days I just appreciate any small progress of my skin.. So lesser pimples than last month, means I’m OK.
I just need to embrace all this skin journey.
“We should be focusing on its health in relation to ourselves.” -> totally agree with your statement.
last time with only single of pimple I can use tons of corrector + concellar, In my case I don’t feel confident at all, and each minutes i keep on checking mirror. LOLS Which is not healthy for my mental state 🙂
But there’s progress on me now, to balance my mind with my skin condition. Try to embrace, to accept myself.
*) Note: I hardly confidence with my skin, as its prone to acne and I’ve been battling with eczema these past 3 years….
Hi Christina, I actually understand where you’re coming from. It’s very hard to be accepting of your skin, when it is clearly not healthy nor at its best. When I was battling acne back in the day, it was actually quite demoralizing. The difference then for me, and why it didn’t affect me so much, was because I honestly did not care. LOL I was never bothered about how I looked. I wonder if that might be why I feel this way now. That said, embracing our skin, problems and all, and finding ways to help make it better – not necessarily by society’s standards but to a standard we are happy with – should be our goal. I hope your skin recovers soon.
Yes I fully agree with Sue, skincare should be about skin health, as everybody is born with different skin, whatever it is, we should keep it healthy with good skincare regiment and good products. We can tell healthy skin from unhealthy one with one look, no matter how much silicone and makeup you slap on. Healthy skin will also withstand the test of time better than unhealthy skin, so we should start young.
Thanks Terry, and indeed, I feel like the current trend of piling on the makeup only does our skin a disservice. Better that we are happy with our skin first, and if we feel like occasionally supplementing that with makeup, that’s fine 🙂
Very well said. I have always taken good care of my skin. When people guess my age they guess I’m about 55. I’m 68. I am very sick of companies selling pricey, useless hope in a bottle or a jar. What women don’t stop and think about is, if their products were so miraculous why do we need Botox and fillers. Once the lines are there, they are there. The best we can hope for is to improve their appearance. I absolutely agree that it is ludicrous to compare my skin to that of a 20 year old. It does anger me. But, what is more troubling is the fact that women are made to feel guilty or ashamed of growing older. I am very comfortable in my skin. In many ways I actually like my face better now than when I was 20. Thank you for a brilliant post.
Hi Jan, thank you for sharing 🙂 You are absolutely right about our being scammed by these cosmetics companies. I wouldn’t be half as bothered if they didn’t try to sell us some really ridiculous promises, and to create impossible expectations. I also feel that the photoshop industry has a lot to answer to for creating the “ideal woman” in magazines. Notice how they all look the same! It is indeed sad that we are made to feel like expired goods as we age, while men are treated like fine wine. I feel also that it is also with how older women feature less in magazines or TV or even as role models, so more people feel the need to remain young, or to remain looking young, just to be relevant. It isn’t so prevalent here where I live, but I have noticed it a lot in the online community, where older women are often disparaged for wanting to put their faces out there and talk about beauty. It’s very sad, because we can really learn more from people who have had more experience!
love you.Love your strong realistic view on aging and life.
Thank you Ana, you’re too kind! I guess I’m just trying to help people change their minds about growing older, and how it’s not a bad thing at all!
Getting old is not so bad if you consider the alternative… 😉
You are so right, thank you for this article.
Two years ago, a sales agent criticized the size of my pores and my fine lines. You cannot imagine how fast I left the store.
Recently, a sales agent applauded me for starting diligent skin care early because most women didn’t start until they are 40 or 50 years old (I’m 45…).
Okay, my pores are slightly enlarged, and I do have fine lines. I honestly think that my skin looks great for my age.
Beautiful skin is healthy skin. I want my skin to look healthy, and it’s never going to be perfect, because it’s not photoshopped.
You hit the nail right on the head. Healthy skin for US, not for anyone else. We shouldn’t be judged by anyone’s standard but our own 🙂
Thank you for reminding us to be grounded in sense and reality, that the over preoccupation with chasing youth makes us take life for granted and miss the point that aging is to be embraced because being alive is a privilege.
It most certainly is a privilege that I think few people realise. I have realised that many people don’t live in the present, preferring to keep looking ahead for what else is out there, or to slow time. It’s always quite sad, so I think we should remind ourselves that life begins in the present 🙂
I won’t deny this. I would love to delay the signs of aging as much (or as long) as I can through proper skincare and minimally-invasive aesthetics treatment (e.g. botox). Not that I’m aspiring to look like someone in her 20s (I’m 41 this year), but I do hope to age gracefully, i.e. looking good for my age.
All of us have grown up receiving media’s influence on what beauty is. Fair and firm skin without dark spots or wrinkles…or scars and enlarged pores. It’s probably hard to change a typical woman’s beauty aspiration especially when media is still selling the same idea of what makes a person ‘beautiful’.
Hence, I surrender. 🙂
Haha thanks for your honesty Nicole! I say that there’s nothing wrong with your approach and I do believe that society as a whole is at fault for pushing that image of beauty and tying it with youth. I’m all for using proper skincare to slow down the appearance of age, but I do think that being practical and acknowledging that there are limits is also important. But again, to each our own – no right or wrong, as long as we aren’t slaves to our appearance 🙂
You don’t look like 44!
Good skin is not young skin, I believe it’s genetic. I have friends who are older than me, ahem I am in my 40s too, their skincare routine is just moisturiser and they look good. I believe in early good skincare routine and it doesn’t have to be expensive. Sunscreen is a must.
All I want is less sensitive skin so that I can enjoy all skincare brands. I have no choice but to stick to what works for me. Ageing gracefully is my motto because I definitely don’t want to look like 18!
Thank you Nvie 😀 I have to thank genes as well, my parents don’t look their age either! 😀 I am with you about genes playing a very big part in how we look. I think it’s only normal for us to compare ourselves to others who we meet. While I have known some people who swear by the soap and moisturiser routine, I have also seen how that will eventually take a toll on the skin later in life. So, don’t give up on your routine just yet! 🙂
I know that here my opinion wouldn’t work the same way yours (and all the amazing women that are commenting). Nowadays, I think the pressure to be perfect is what makes us think that having any imperfection in our face or just to age is something wrong with us. And yes, the pressure is even bigger for women.
However, I think that every time I see strong woman that doesn’t worry about looking old I realize that we aren’t putting our eyes in what matters: feeling awesome with ourselves. I was going to write good, but no, the thing is to be happy with our bodies, but also grateful with them, because they simply get us through everything.
So yes, older women are gaining recognition in the beauty industry, but we have still to walk a long road; because until we don’t celebrate the fact of getting older, we won’t enjoy it completely.
Actually Efrain, your view is precisely what I’m getting at – being comfortable with ourselves. We don’t actually have to celebrate it, but it’s ridiculous fighting it. I see some people so aghast at sharing their age, or lying about how old they are, and I can’t understand why. I think it’s just society forcing us to behave a certain way, because that’s what has been ingrained in us for so long. It is a long road before we can actually break free of these contraints I agree, and social media isn’t helping. But it also is helping, because now more older women are on social media, and maybe that might help change perceptions 🙂
AND THIS IS WHY YOU’RE MY FAVOURITE BLOGGER OF ALL TIME.
Thank you. Thank you. Seriously, thank you. No one on the internet talks about this issue and you are absolutely right – aging skin is a taboo rather than something to be expected or embraced (btw, you have much better skin than any of my Caucasian friends in their late 20s).
What if we’re happy to get older? I can honestly say that most of my 20s was spent feeling absolutely miserable. I am about to hit 30 and really, I don’t want to turn back time. Getting older is, like you say, a privilege, and something to be cherished. Even if you don’t like it, you can’t help it either way.
The beauty industry should seriously reconsider what good skin means at different times of our lives.
If you had to consult a beauty company, or if you could direct a campaign, what would you do to change the perception of what good skin really is?
Aww you’re too kind Amoerette 🙂 And you are absolutely right. The internet is so filled with people consumed with the idea of looking younger that we tend to forget that sometimes, it’s just not possible nor practical nor even healthy! I actually spent a part of my 30’s being miserable and I was so happy to leave it behind me. I’m sure it left some lines on my face too haha! But hey, at least I will look back and remember that I survived those dark times! I am in many ways very disillusioned by the beauty industry as a whole, even though products still intrigue me. As for your question, what would I do to change the perception of what good skin really is, I’d probably adopt what I say here. That it is about having healthy skin, even if it may have lines or open pores or scars or pigmentation. It is about well hydrated, soft skin that is better than what YOU had before. I think people are too obsessed about smooth skin. It is nice to have, but realistically, as you age, smooth skin is a big challenge. Soft, hydrated skin on the other hand, is achievable 🙂
Fantastic post, embrace age & care for your skin ??
Thank you Adriana, indeed we have to remember to embrace our age but to remember also to care for our skin so it remains healthy!