(Note: This post isn’t remotely beauty related in any way (could be women related though) so if you feel it isn’t relevant to you in one way or another, you may want to skip it or read something from the archives that is. A beauty related post may come up later if I feel up to it.)
Yesterday, while walking in the city after lunch, I came across an incident that left me sobered in many ways.
Walking towards me on the narrow pavement were 3 guys who, at first impression, I thought were just guys joshing around, pushing each other back and forth. But some instinct made me stop in my tracks and observe the situation further, and that was when I noticed that it wasn’t mere joshing around, but there was some sort of struggle going on. Of the 3, one was holding one of them in a chokehold, while the other was roughing him up and slapping him around. I was in a bit of a dilemma at that point. Instinct and everything moral you have ever been taught tells you that you should step in and help. Self-preservation warned me to not even think about it.
I wanted to move forward but it would mean having to pass them and I didn’t want that. So I decided to brave the traffic, and stepped out on to the road, sticking to the side. Walking past quickly, the guy being beaten up looked up at me, bleeding and asked for help.
But I couldn’t say or do anything, just walked on, promising myself that I’d get to the police. There was a police van or booth not 50m away. I would get help. But by the time I got to the end of the short pavement, the police were already running out towards the incident. Someone else had reported it and they were on the case. But by this time, the 2 guys had run off, leaving the victim behind. Perhaps the growing crowd forced them to stop and leave.
But either way, the incident left me with a heavy heart and an all round feeling of helplessness.
Not getting involved was probably the right thing to do. The aggressors were 2 rough looking characters. I was with a friend but we aren’t trained to help people in these situations and as I told myself thereafter, I’m not hero material. If it was a movie, I woud have been cast as “Curious Bystander #2” not in the starring role of “Glamorous Heroine trained in martial arts” Getting involved would have put myself and my friend in danger.
Yet with every moral fibre of your being, you know that you should help. Or do something to help. It is “the right thing to do”. Witnessing physical violence of that nature outside of a movie screen is numbing and surreal. Having someone beseech your help is equally, if not more surreal and unsettling.
On the other hand, the first rule of personal safety is not to put yourself in a situation where you may endanger your own life. You, as a passerby, do not know the history of the quarrel. Was it a quarrel? Was it a fight? Did the victim steal from the other 2? Was it just a random mugging? It was in broad daylight along a busy road in a busy part of town. What prompted it?
All I know is that it has left me feeling unsettled and not a little doubtful and selfish. Righteous little me always thought that the noble thing to do in a circumstance like this is to help the victim. But when push came to shove, I couldn’t, wouldn’t and didn’t.
It was also sobering to know that if the victim was me, similarly, no one may help too. I do not believe that its just a reflection of society here, but is liable to be seen in cities everywhere.
Is there a moral behind this story? I don’t know. Can you find one?
Have you found yourself in a similar situation, and if so, what did you do? What would you have done?
Stay safe and thanks for indulging me so I can get this off my chest.
Paris B
Note: Thank you everyone for sharing your thoughts in the comments. I will not be replying each individual comment as there isn’t much for me to add. I trust we will all do what’s best for ourselves and any victim given the right set of circumstances. It was insightful reading so thank you for sharing 🙂 xx
It’s such a difficult situation to be in, and I’m sorry you had to experience it. I’ve always asked myself the same question if I’m ever to face a similar situation. Instinct would tell me I have to help. But given the situation as you have mentioned, I would immediately call 000 (Australian number for the police), but cross the road, away from the brawl, and wait at a secure and busy location. When the police arrives, I can act as a witness.
To join in and offer help would be suicide, I’m afraid. It’s not right, but I don’t think it’s wrong either.
I’m sorry you had to be put in that situation, but like you, I probably would have done the same thing, and then thought and rethought my decision. As long as the victim had been saved, I think it’s okay.
I was on a London bus when a man sitting about 4 rows in front of me grabbed his wife’s (or so I assume as she was carrying a baby) head and shoved it against the window. The man sitting behind the couple tried to stop the man from hurting the lady but he himself got a black eye as the attacker punched him before heading back to yell all sorts of profanities at the lady. Like you, I felt bad about not being able to help but watching the other man who tried to help reminded me that being helpful in this situation may get you hurt instead. As selfish as I sound, I do think that our personal safety comes first. True, should this happen to us people around may do the same but I believe there are good samaritans out there like yourself who chose to do the right thing, which is to enlist the help of the police.
I suppose the moral of this story is… People cannot help being selfish sometimes. After all, life is too precious. Paris, you did the right thing. Goodness knows what might have happened to you. *hugs*
I was in a similar situation a while back. We were traveling in a car when suddenly at the side of the road we saw a couple fighting. We weren’t sure whether the man was beating up the lady but she was definitely struggling to get away from him. My husband’s instant response was to stop the car to help, mine was (very selfishly) said no as I had a child in the car. My husband insisted and said what if it was me, I would want help. He stopped together with some cars but my husband was the one who got down and from a safe distance shouted at the man. The man looked up and my husband recognized him as our Indonesian contractor and he said that his wife “merajuk”. My husband waited for the woman to shout for help but she didn’t. After a few minutes, we left after that. I was really afraid and really didn’t want him to stop but he did. I’m not sure whether in future if we encounter such incidences whether I’ll allow him to stop again but I don’t think he would listen to me.
Hi Mei Ping, I have a feeling my husband would have done the same. You have a good man there and it’s only natural for a wife and mother to think of her own family’s safety first.
It was a horrible situation you had to witness and to be in that dilemma. truth be told, I would have done the same. You never know what would happen if you stepped in. You could be in danger too! Of course, like you said, if any of us should be in that kind of trouble, no one would sick their neck out either. That’s why there are cases of abduction and rape in broad daylight. This is so sad 🙁
i have not been in the situation before, but i’d have prob done the same like u did in such situation, we will never out fight them and might just end up being beaten up (the better situation) or something worse than just bleeding. did u spyshot them?
Once in my neighbourhood right outside my house there was an argument going on between a couple. But what made it interesting was that the guy was high as a kite and his gf wasn’t. She’s in a car driving n he is outside shouting at her; same time she is reversing her car. He’s mostly spewing out nonsense and it was funny at first but his tone got more n more aggressive. Suddenly he jumps on top of the car’s bonnet n starts pounding his fists against the windscreen. He wanted her to open the window/door n let him in/talk.
The girl keeps telling him to get lost but he’s having none of it n keeps screaming n pounding the windscreen. Suddenly the car stops n she winds down the window. He jumps off the bonnet n proceeds to strangle her. This was a potential homicide because i could hear her making those really scary death choke sounds.
I was already outside the house by this time n i started shouting at him to stop. But he ignored me right until i shouted “Oi where got man beat woman one ?! where your balls ?”. That really set him off n he charged towards me n I shouted “come on lah !”. he was a few hundred meters away but suddenly he stopped, staggered a bit n looked confused. At the same time his gf had already reversed the car right beside him n he gets in and they drive off into the night.
I rushed back into the house n got my dad to call the cops. They arrive 10 mins later and we gave a description of the car but I don’t think it made a difference because we didn’t get the number plate. Looking back I shouldn’t have confronted him but it was all adrenaline and testosterone by that time. I should have called the cops right from the start.
Most probably, I would have done the same thing. Instinct would also tell me to help but I don’t want my life to be put in danger. I am also not trained for that kind of situation.
I think you did the right thing – it’s important to get help and it’s risky for everyone if you get personally involved.
Speaking from experience, you can never know how dangerous people are, and may inadvertently escalate the situation in some cases.
It’s a tough situation though – any such victim deserves help and and ideally we would be able to help them.
Oh no PB! I’m glad nothing happened to you but I feel for the victim! I wouldn’t know what to do myself if I were in your shoes! 🙁 I will probably do the same, walk a bit farther then report! either over the phone or if there’s a nearby police station!
Oh don’t beat yourself up over it Paris, I think you’ve already done your best! I think there’s a righteous streak in everyone – in an ideal world where we women can dish out some badass kungfu, helping out would only have been the right thing to do. But we’ve to accept our limitations and sometimes the best way to help out would be to testify as a witness when needed 🙂
In Singapore, there would be no doubt that one should call 999 immediately, and shout stop, I’ve called the police, in case the person really gets beaten to death. If you’re strong enough, it’s okay to try to help. If the beat-ers run away, they will be caught soon enough.
And can call the ambulance 995 too if you think it’s heavy injury.
That said, I think only Singaporeans have this kind of silly I-will-help-IMmediately mentality.
Don’t feel bad about not helping, I think many of us would’ve done the same. After all, what can we do in situations like that – untrained as we are? In an ideal world, I think we would all want to stop and help, but reality is that we have to put self-preservation first and do the next best thing – inform the relevant people who are trained to help and let them step in. You did the right thing, and am glad you’re ok.
You definitely did the right thing. Yes, it goes against everything we have been taught but society changes and we have to change with it. It has become much, much more dangerous out there. Think about it. Even if you had stepped in, what could you have done? Other than perhaps getting roughed up yourself? I think you did the wisest thing which is to run for help. That someone else had already reported it is besides the point.
I think that in this time and age, we have to sometimes be a bit selfish … and that isn’t necessarily a bad thing despite that societal interpretation has defined it so. I always think back of the safety procedure demonstrations on flights – in particular the part where they caution you to always put your own oxygen mask on before helping others. That makes a whole lot of sense because if you are injured yourself, how in the world would you be of use to anyone else? Just like you sometimes have to be cruel to be kind, you sometimes have to be selfish to be of use to society.
That said, we cannot apply something across the board without considering each and every situation separately. If I were to encounter a man harassing another female in a remote area, I sure as hell would run to her aid! And I hope to god if that happened to me, someone would step in too. Because in that case, I think the presence of someone else WOULD actually make a difference.
-hugs- Hope you’re feeling better already.
I think I would have done the same thing. Two ladies against two men, the odds are against us. You made the safest choice there, and it’s the smartest one too. Don’t feel bad.
If the group I’m with is bigger than three people, then I might have confronted the two men. But that’s if my instinct says that I have a chance of getting away unharmed.
Stay safe.
Definitely did the right thing. There are too many incidences of innocent victims getting hurt. Or in many cases lately, the struggle could very well have been a trap to get an innocent party involved, to trick them into something else.
Glad the cops were on the ball and you got out of harm’s way.
Take care PB.
I reckon you did the right thing. If I was in your shoes, I would do the same. It probably would be different if I don black belt in martial arts though…Actually, maybe not. God knows if there might be any collateral damage done if I do help the person… Having said that, I understand that if I am ever in the victim’s shoes, no one would brave enough to me 🙁
I think you did the right thing too, as before we take any action to help someone, we have to make sure that we are safe to do so. I always think that when this kind of incidents happen, if I were a man, with another or 2 men’s help, we could quickly save the victim, with some extra hands. But, again, how often would we have people around who are willingly to help when someone is in trouble?
Aargh I’m so sorry Paris, I can see how this shocked you. I think you did the right thing by not getting involved. It really would have endangered you. If it’s domestic violence I’d try to do something about it, but what you witnessed was highly possibly a bit too complicated. I don’t think it would have made too much sense. Plus you did make sure the victim got help. It was the best thing you could do!
I don’t think this is a self-preservation over justice type of things. The first thing they teach you at life-saver training is NOT JUMPING IN, because that might just mean on more victim.
I read all the comments and feel really sad. I think this is why our country continue to suffer violence against the weak and the helpless. There are so many articles online that depicts victims calling for help but no help came. If such mentality continues there will be a day when someone can kidnap another person in broad daylight in a public place and everyone will still look the other way.
I’m not judging anyone, just expressing my sadness at what society has become, and I do understand why people are scared to help. I would probably call the police from a safe distance, but if I have (sufficient) company I wouldn’t stand by and not do anything =( because if I were in such a situation I would want someone to help me too.
Sounds like the only person who thinks the same way as I do. I think the bottom line is, I canNOT do zero. It just reminds me of that Spiderman 1 opening scene… … If that person being rob/mugged or whatever were my mother… gosh, and I didn’t help because I can’t see properly who it is, oh gosh, and she got beaten to death/paralysis… *touchwood* I will never forgive myself. I would help my mother even if she were beaten because she owes the loanshark (but she never will, so I have no worries here). But still *touchwood*.
I know it is very normal that when the victim is a stranger, it changes the entire weighing balance. Nothing wrong. But I guess my bottom-line is that I will seek help.
I trust fellow Singaporeans have been brought up the same way, and I think this is what makes our society one of the safest in the world. We also trust each other that no one will take our bags in a public place. I actually hung on to a girl’s bag just 3-4 weeks ago, even though it was branded and all. The girl called her own Blackberry, I picked it up, waited for her to meet me and handed it back. I could have pocketed the handphone for a $50/$100 at secondhand shops.
I’ve heard too many horror stories about you help, people accusing you of murder, which is really sad.