Happy Saturday Ladies!
Something not very nice happened to me during the week where I was handed out a backhanded insult in front of a bunch of people.
Now we’ve heard of backhanded compliments – a compliment that isn’t given in a nice way – but what about backhanded insults? Its a thinly veiled insult sugarcoated as a compliment. Sucked I tell you!
Well in my case, I sat there, and accepted it as a compliment but it did not stop me seething in anger. However, I allowed the seething to pass in due course, because well… getting angry is aging! 😛
But it led me to think about accepting compliments. How good at you at accepting compliments?
I was never good at it. In true Asian (or Chinese) style – take your pick, I’m both 😛 I’d deflect a compliment in true tai-chi style.
However, I’ve since learned to say “Thank you” whenever I’m paid a compliment. So when someone says :-
Complimenter: “Your dress is pretty”
Me: “Thank you”
Complimenter: ???
Yes, you get that ??? reaction because while I’m now used to saying “Thank you” people who pay compliments aren’t used to that. They would probably be more comfortable if I were to say “Oh this old thing? No-lah! I bought it cheap from pasar malam only…”
So if you’re anything like me, your mission from this day forth is to accept all compliments with a smile and a “Thank you”. If someone compliments you, its a good thing right? 😉
And I’d like to leave you with this video from Cosmetic Candy who illustrates this in the best way possible.
Happy weekend ladies! 🙂
Paris B
p/s The picture of the little girl above bears no relation to this piece. I just had to include her picture because she was super adorable in her full kimono get up and I’ve been trying to find a way to show her off 🙂 Picture taken at the Meiji Shrine, Tokyo, Japan, Nov 2009.
Yup! I’ve (fortunately, IMHO) learned to accept compliments with a “Thank you” and yes!!! I do get the “????” reaction! It’s hilarious! Growing up, I did the “No la ….” thing and then moved on to saying “Thanks” but feeling obliged to return the compliment. These days, I do dish out compliments when that is what I honestly think and not just for the sake of it.
This comes with maturity and an increased confidence level. Incidentally, I just read a “tip” on a travel site which tells people to “expect a denial” when handing out compliments to Asians as that is our way of being polite!
As for the backhanded compliment, isn’t it fun to leave them flabbergasted when you say “thanks” and coolly walk away? People who do that want a reaction from you. And denying them that pleasure is payback enough. Again, generally speaking, I think this comes with age …. and a thicker skin. LOL!
You’re right actually. Being able to accept a compliment for what it is, and say thank you graciously comes with maturity and confidence, when we are confident of what we are and where we are now. Easier to do when you’ve “eaten more salt” as they say 😉
I’m sorry you had to deal with such unpleasant people. Did it come from a woman or a man?
I was like you in the past, deflecting compliments but in recent years, have learnt to accept graciously (but usually with some embarrassment) by saying “Thank You.”
It was a woman, sadly enough, in front of a bunch of men where it probably went “Whoosh!” over their heads 😛
I guess for us, with maturity comes confidence enough to say “Thank you” when someone pays us a compliment which we feel we’re entitled to have anyway! 😉
What about when people complement you on your face?
“you have such a beautiful face…you’re so pretty!”.
Is saying “Thank you” ok? Sometimes I feel like if I say thank you to them…it means I’m agreeing with
them? I always feel strange after saying Thank you
:/
I would say Thank you because if they didn’t think you beautiful, I don’t think they’d say so eh? 😉
LOL Nice post for a lovely Saturday here Paris! 😉
Actually, it’s always good to say Thank you. However, sometimes, some people just compliment for the sake of just wanted to compliment or just being nice 😛
Ironically, the ??? expression prior to saying Thank you, that person sometimes is not sincere on giving the compliment…
Oh yeah there are those who just try to be nice all the time, but I take it at face value – muka tebal 😛
tell me about it ParisB! is a bit of a culture shock that in NZ (or most caucasian countries), you have to graciously thank people when they pay you a compliment rather than graciously deflect it like a typical Malaysian. hahahaha both also gracious but in so different ways!
Ya people in different cultures expect different reactions. I’d like to think there are good things from every culture we can pick up 🙂
haha i’m so guilty so of deflecting compliments even as i try to be more gracious and tell myself to just thank the person! while i do not deny the compliment for fear of coming across as ungrateful or rude, i tend to make an excuse for it. like when people compliment me for a smooth and glowing complexion, i’d say “it’s the makeup”. otherwise, i’d say “thank you” but not without a hint of awkwardness. it’d take some time to change this aspect of the chinese upbringing haha.
You could say “Thank you! My new powder is great too!” That’s what I say sometimes when I’m not feeling particularly wonderful yet people tell me so as happened recently. After I was paid the compliment, and I bashfully said thank you, I ran for the nearest mirror to see if it was true. And you know what? It was! 😉
Ahh it is indeed the Asian/Malaysian way of being grateful, no? I, too, used to deflect the compliments I’ve received by saying “takde la..biasa je”, “mana ada hehehe (gelak gedik+malu di sini hahaha)”. But like the others, I’ve started to just accept the compliments in Mat Saleh’s way, just say thank you. I have to admit it feels much better than being too humble tapi tak kena tempat. 😛
I think most Asian cultures teach us to be “humble and modest” but I’d like to think that if we are entitled to the compliment, why not thank the person paying it to you, right? 😉
Yeah I totally agree!
but but Paris should be used to getting compliments after all her lurvelee pictures on this blog! =)
ya i know what u mean abt veiled compliments, i just got one from this guy that day who told me “u look better without makeup”. so what does that mean huh?
and no, i really cant accept compliments =( always using that pasar malam or no i use concealer alot thing. lol!
Haha! Yes perhaps blogging has helped me accept myself (and the fact that a good angle is excellent in photography 😉 ). As for the guy, the next one who tells you that, ask them “Would you know the difference?” because clearly, they won’t 😛 The next time someone pays you a compliment, grit your teeth and say “Thank you” and then see that ??? expression. Priceless I tell you 😛
Yep, I say “thank you” too and will get that weird reaction as if they expect me to disagree with a compliment they just paid. I don’t know what it is with people sometimes. And when I say something nice to a person, quite often they just don’t know how to accept it graciously and get all flustered.
My MIL is guilty of being one of those who cannot accept a compliment proper. If I say the meat rolls she made are lovely, she will ALWAYS disagree and I will keep having to counter and say “it’s really good” or “the meat is tasty” or something. This will go on until I get really tired of the silly exchange. In this case, it may be a generation thing 🙂
Haha yeah that might be a generation thing coz most of our elders still hold on to their humble ways of doing things. And yes, in many situations, the complimenter gets more flustered than the complimentee if said complimentee says thank you!
sometimes it is the complimentor that can’t accept our ‘thank u’, in our culture or as women we are either to be complimenting back or say something bad about our self like ‘I so fat where got nice wo,you look better’ kind. i think it is so negative at times, so I have learn from my mom and the western culture to accept a compliment as it is, and I think we should all learn that and also to accept other’s ‘thank u’. 😉
Yep! To me, if someone says something nice, it means its true la – at face value and I do return the compliment if there’s something nice to say but I try not to do the “No, I look like crap while you look like a beauty queen” thing anymore. No point putting oneself down 🙂
Hey Paris!
I see you liked the video?!
It’s funny but recently I’ve been getting a lot more backhanded compliments…you know the sort, it begins with a ‘I don’t mean to be…’ and ends with a patronizing ‘but everything else is great!” rubbish.
I am not that easily annoyed by people like this – as long as they can take it like they can dish it (which they usually can’t).
But sometimes, as you said, it does get to you and make you angry! But I think the best thing to do, even when the comment is extremely backhanded “Wow – this is the BEST I’ve ever seen you! You finally learnt to do your hair!” – just say thank you and move on. Jealousy is an ugly thing.
xxx
Hiya Rowena! Yes I thoroughly enjoyed the video and its spot on too! 😀 I know what you mean about getting backhanded compliments. Honestly, I don’t know what people gain from being nasty when life would be so much better if they were nice!
I am never good at saying Thank You to a compliment. Perhaps I should start training myself to do so…
Yes a thank you goes a long way 😉
oh i totally get you! i too was brought up into accepting compliments by saying thank you. but i realised that some compliments are probably insincere because as soon as they hear me say thank you, they say i am ‘perasan’. like wth?? frankly, i couldn’t be bothered with remarks like this anymore.
Wah how can they say that when they paid you the compliment first?! Anyway, if they think you are “perasan” they shouldn’t pay the compliment (and besides nothing wrong with being a little “perasan” 😉 )
Like you, I used to do the whole “No lah… bla bla bla”. But in the last few years I’ve learned to just accept the compliment (if sincere) graciously, and say “Thank you”. It’s kinda weird sometimes that we Asians are taught to put ourselves down whenever we’re given a compliment. But the funny thing is, the more the deflection, you can actually see them actually being happy about the compliment. I guess Asians take pride in being humble. ROTFL.
Yeah this whole Asian cultural thing will likely never change but there are some good things to be learnt from other cultures although I find that in our culture, people do try to say nice things, even if they may not really mean it.
ahhh… so kawaiiiii~~ Haha… Yes, for some reason, I find it hard for me to say thank you after receiving a compliment… I always try to deflect it… Is is asian? hahaha… I guess I’m not good at receiving compliments =)
I say TQ too~
My upbringing taught me to say “No la, etc etc” every time I receive a compliment. In retrospect, I think it’s rude to the person giving the compliment to not accept it graciously. Now I simply thank them with a smile and “Aww thanks!”. Complimenters usually reciprocate with “No worries, I think it’s gorgeous/you’re kind/etc etc”